


doomsday prepper

by Soulykins



Series: old dog, old tricks [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Food Issues, Gen, Good Brother Klaus Hargreeves, Klaus is insightful, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, food hoarding, other hargreeves mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-16 10:14:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18092381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soulykins/pseuds/Soulykins
Summary: Klaus is pretty sure that the shopping had just been done, so why are there no snacks in the house?Klaus decides his siblings must be hiding all the goodies in their rooms and goes with Ben to investigate - and it actually turns out to be true to their collective surprise. Five has been hiding food away up in his room. Like, a lot of food.Well, the apocalypse doesn't exactly come with food security after all.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> no beta we die like men
> 
> I figure that Five would have some serious food issues in general going beyond just hoarding which will be addressed in future installments hopefully!! But this one is specifically about hoarding food since I figure after forty years in the apocalypse he'd be used to grabbing food where he could and just taking it with if he wasn't going to eat it right there
> 
> and with the expiration dates on most food that would decidedly not last forty years, well  
> grab it while you have it I guess

Klaus frowned at the cabinets. He could have _sworn_ that yesterday was supposed to be the shopping day, so why was there still _no food in the house_.

Okay okay, that was a lie there were like, ingredients or whatever for Mom to make things with. But all the snacks? The ready made things to chow down on when they didn’t feel up to actually cooking or baking or whatever? Vanished.

“Maybe Luther ate them all.” Ben said thoughtfully from where he was sat on the counter, idly swinging his legs back and forth even though his heels connecting with the cabinets didn’t make a sound.

“Does Luther even have like super eating?” Klaus grouched, slamming the cabinet with a look of disgust, “Just leave no food for poor Klaus. They’re starving me! Their poor innocent brother!”

“Maybe they’re stashing the snacks in their rooms?” Ben suggested, hopping down off the counter.

Klaus looked up with wide eyes as if Ben had given him the answer to the entire universe. “You’re right! Selfish! They’re hiding all the snacks and taking them for themselves! It’s an injustice is what is it. We have to liberate those poor snacks, Ben! Pronto! C’mon!”

Without giving his ghostly brother time to get a word in edgewise (Klaus was well practiced at steamrolling over Ben from back in his junkie days when he couldn’t stand the disappointed looks and words) Klaus was already bounding out of the kitchen like a particularly graceless gazelle.

Luther was the only other siblings still in the house, though Klaus had exactly zero ideas as to where that was exactly. It was a big house, okay? But Vanya was out violin-ing, Diego had managed to somehow bully Five into going out ‘patrolling’ in the car, and Allison was out… somewhere. Klaus wanted to say from the looks she’d been shooting Five and his little uniform that she was probably going to come home loaded in clothes for their smallest sibling, but honestly he had no idea _what_ went through Allison’s head half the time.

He figured, out of all of the siblings, it would probably be Diego who stashed goodies in his room to keep them out of Klaus’s grubby paws. Foolish! As if Klaus would be stopped by something as small as personal boundaries!

So Diego’s room was first on the list, and he was rifling through his brother’s drawers with Ben sighing behind him.

“I didn’t mean for you to root through the rooms you know,” Ben sounded exasperated, but he’d been witness to Klaus tearing plenty of rooms apart before looking to things to pawn for drug money so this wasn’t nearly the worst thing he’d witnessed. Practically _tame_ in comparison, really.

“Pretty sure this counts as an invasion of privacy.” Ben commented again as Klaus rifled through Diego’s underwear drawer, ignoring Klaus shushing him and reaching back with a flailing hand as if to shoo him away.

“Nothing!” Klaus exclaimed, “Nada! Zip! Zilch! I mean, if you had to suspect one of our delightful siblings of holding the snacks hostage, it would totally be D, right?”

Ben shrugged, “Luther is a goody two shoes I doubt he’d hide food. Allison is still on a mainly liquid diet, right? So can’t be her. Can you really imagine Vanya not sharing? But Klaus. Have you maybe considered the simplest solution to this? Maybe, just maybe… someone forgot to go shopping.”

“It was _Vanya’s_ turn though.” Klaus pointed out, not bothering to rearrange the mess he’d made before striding out of the room even though it would probably come to bite him in the ass later. “I’m pretty sure Vanya is like, the most capable of adult-ing out of all of us.”

After all, Vanya had her own apartment and her own job and everything. Allison had rumored people to get things, Luther had lived on the _moon_ , Diego was a vigilante in his spare time, and Klaus was, well, Klaus. Yeah. Pretty sure Vanya was the most capable adult of all them which really wasn’t saying much to be honest. God, they were all disasters weren’t they?

Ben shrugged again, very unhelpfully thank you Ben, as Klaus set off down the hall. While he didn’t _think_ Luther would have stolen the snacks, he wouldn’t put it past the big guy to have forgotten them in his room or something.

But as he went down the hallway something caught his eye and made him turn to peer into the open door of - Five’s room? Right there, on the desk under the crazy person writing on walls was a box of protein bars that Klaus was one hundred percent certain Luther had added to the grocery list.

For some reason, it hadn’t even occurred to Klaus that _Five_ could be the thief, then again it would be right up that little shit’s alley to hold the snacks hostage to get them to do something or - or something. It made sense when Klaus first thought of it, okay?

Klaus checked over both his shoulders dramatically before taking an exaggerated step into the room. Yes, he’d raided Diego’s room without a concern, but then ago Klaus was pretty sure Diego wouldn’t actually kill him. Five, on the other hand, seemed to vary depending on his mood.

Ben followed, because of course he did.

Of course, Klaus wasn’t quite prepared when he opened up Five’s closet and found it stuffed full of food. Cans were stacked up to one side making columns and reminded Klaus of that one time before Diego talked to Five about the talking to himself thing where he’d come into the room with arms full of cans. Klaus hadn’t thought anything of it at the time, but looking at the stash in front of him he was pretty sure it was relevant. 

“That is. Not normal?” Ben’s voice was right next to his ear making Klaus jerk back and hit his shoulder on the doorway. He rubbed it absently, eyes still training on what was clearly a hoard of food.

“Should we - tell the others?” Klaus asked uncertain, voice lilting up with slight confusion. Why did Five have an actual pantry in his closet? Out of all of them, Five could literally jump over to the kitchen and back without losing any time. 

“Family meeting?” Ben offered.

Klaus sighed, snagging the fruit roll-ups he’d originally been searching for off the top of the pile in the closet before gently closing it. 

“Do you think Diego would talk to him about this?” Klaus asked hopefully. After all, Diego had taken the _last_ big conversation they’d needed to have and done a _spectacular_ job with it. 

Klaus tried his best to ignore the look he was absolutely certain Ben was giving him. He wasn’t going to be guilted into asking Five something the smallest Hargreeves didn’t want to talk about he _wasn’t_ , because he _liked_ his limbs attached to his body.

He held for a solid minute before throwing his hands into the air, “Shit, _fine_ , I’ll talk to the little hellion stop looking at me like that!”

“I didn’t do anything.” Ben shot back, but the ghostly brother looked more smug than he should as Klaus shot him the stink eye.

“I’m eating all of these then,” Klaus shook the box of fruit roll-ups ignoring Ben’s _Klaus no_ as he strode down to the living room. “My last meal on death row I’m gonna put myself in a sugar _coma_.”

Ben just sighed and followed his brother. He’d try coach Klaus through how to talk to Five without getting broken bones for his trouble. _After_ his brother came down from the inevitable sugar high that is. 

They’d figure something out, they always did.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus talks to Five about the food stash in his closet.
> 
> Klaus is surprisingly insightful, Five gets to keep his stash, and Ben is very tired

Hours later, Five still wasn’t home yet, the fruit roll-ups had been eaten, and Klaus was jumping up and down on his own bed as he puzzled over the problem of how to approach his little babiest oldest could-kill-him-with-a-spoon brother.

Ben, for his part, was laying on the floor and staring up at the ceiling not even trying to be helpful. It was okay for _Ben_ , it’s not like he could die _again_.

Klaus paused in his bouncing, “Hey Ben? If I’m not around, are ghosts still there?”

“If a tree falls in a forest does it still make a sound?” Ben asked from the floor, already sounding tired of the conversation despite it only just starting which, rude. It was an actual question! Like, when he was high and couldn’t see them were they still _there_ and he just couldn’t see them? Wild.

“You’re supposed to be thinking about Five.” Ben pointed out, pulling Klaus from his thoughts.

“Oh,” Klaus pulled a face, “Yeah. But like, do we actually have to convince him? It’s not like he’s, you know, hurting anyone. In fact, really this is a much healthier coping thing than getting drunk and stabbing things. Much, much healthier.”

“Klaus,” Ben’s tone held a warning and Klaus sighed, falling backwards to bounce down onto his back.

“Yeah yeah I _know_ , no need to give me the tone.”

Klaus could understand irrational acts. Shit, his whole life was pretty much one irrational act after another. Klaus understood addiction and having habits that were difficult to break, and clearly this was something Five was dealing with in his own way.

Before Klaus could speak up again he heard the door slam and the tell-tale tones of Diego and Five returning from whatever. Diego was yelling something about staying in the car, which even _Klaus_ could tell you that Five pretty much did as he pleased.

Klaus got to the balcony just in time to see Five hop through a portal away from Diego’s scowl. Hopefully their littlest brother had just gone to his room. Klaus waved at Diego to get his attention, “I got it!” 

He beamed down at Diego and didn’t wait for a response before dashing off in the direction of Five’s room with Ben at his heels. He didn’t want to give himself time to back out and this seemed like the best opportunity, right?

Knocking on Five’s door and achieving a snarled “Go _away_ , Diego!” might have made him pause just a tiny bit but hey, now or never right? 

Klaus opened the door with a sing-song “Wrong brother!” on his lips, taking in Five’s black mood and glare with an ever wider smile.

“What are you doing here, Klaus?” Five demanded, “If Diego can’t be bothered to face me himself - ”

“I don’t care about your spats with Diego, bro.” Klaus cut his smallest sibling off with a wave of his hand, “In fact! It’s completely unrelated to it!”

The absolute suspicion aimed his way was absolutely undeserved thank you very much. He gestured for Five to scooch over on the bed and when the kid didn’t simply shrugged and flopped down anyway, earning himself a squawk as Five jerked himself backwards to avoid Klaus collapsing on him.

“I’m actually here about your, you know, thing.” Klaus gestured gracelessly to Five’s closet, completely ignoring Ben slapping a palm against his face. If Ben thought he could do so much better then Ben could materialize himself and do the talk for him!

Klaus felt Five stiffen and immediately reached out to get a hold of one of Five’s wrists, “No no no, no jumping. It’s not a bad conversation? You’re not like, in trouble or anything.”

Five scowled and shook Klaus’s grip off, drawing into himself but thankfully not just warping away. “What about it?”

Klaus shrugged, “Well. You know. I mean, I personally would appreciate not having to rifle through your closet when I’m in a snacky mood? And I know you can just hop on over to the kitchen so, uh, you want to maybe? Explain? Just a little?”

“Oh my god Klaus, just materialize me and I’ll do the conversation,” Ben groaned, even though he knew full well that Klaus had already used up their time today letting Ben have breakfast with him.

“Shut up, it’s going fine,” Klaus whispered to his very ghostly brother, before training his eyes back on Five. Five was looking over at where Ben was - having followed Klaus’s gaze - with something almost like wistful curiosity. 

It took a nudge for Five to look back at Klaus, which had Five’s lips turning back down into a scowl. The kid’s face would get stuck like that at this rate. “It’s none of your business. Maybe I just don’t want to expend the effort of going downstairs.”

It was a weak excuse. Klaus knew it. Ben knew it. _Five_ knew it.

Klaus schooled his face into the ‘I am being very patient with you right now in the hopes that you will stop being a dumbass even though the bar is literally on the floor’ that had been directed at Klaus too many times to count.

Surprisingly, it was decently effective. 

“I just like having it there. Just in case.” Five muttered, looking away.

“Okay,” Klaus said, making Five’s head snap up and eye his brother as if looking for a catch. But Klaus was sincere, “Okay, if it makes you feel better I don’t think it’s like, a bad thing to have food in your room. S’not like it’s hurting anyone.”

Klaus lifted a finger, “ _But_ , I think we could go about it a better way.”

Five looked at Klaus like he’d grown a second head. Which was uncalled for! Klaus was fully capable of having good ideas or thinking through problems. Just because he preferred not to do so didn’t mean he couldn’t do it!

At least Five seemed to realize that, his skepticism fading away. Of course, it was replaced by a sneer that Klaus could pretty quickly recognize as defensive, “Oh? And what would you do?”

It _sounded_ sarcastic and like Five was questioning if Klaus had ever even formed a fully functioning brain cell, but Klaus could see the glimmer of curiosity behind Five’s eyes (no it _wasn’t_ imagined, Ben) and besides, he’d been brushed off worse.

“Well,” Klaus considered his words, waving Ben off when Ben started offering suggestions. He _had_ this. “We could get you food specifically for your stash? That way you could leave the rest downstairs. Stuff with like, no expiration dates or whatever.”

Klaus hadn’t looked at the back of his box of fruit roll-ups but he was pretty sure they would have expired before Five’s forty years of apocalypse living finished.

“Doesn’t honey last forever? Pretty sure they found some in like, an old egyptian pyramid that was still edible? You could have an actual lasts-forty-years stash instead of the groceries we bring back.” Klaus was like, sixty percent sure they honey thing was a true fact. Maybe? It’s not like Klaus sat down in front of documentaries when they came on, but reason stated if honey lasted forever then there had to be other foods that did as well.

Some part of his brain was saying something about bog butter but Five was looking at him and he didn’t want to take the attention off of his littlest sibling to chase down the thought.

“You don’t want to take it away?” Five’s voice was very small, and it broke Klaus’s heart. 

“No no no! No dude, if you want to keep it then that’s up to you.” He drew Five into a hug, even though the kid stiffened he didn’t pull away which Klaus was counting as a win, “Just, you know, I’d like to be able to find the snacks in the right place is all.”

Five drew back out of the hug, back still stiff as a plank. His eyes darted over to the closet and back to Klaus’s face as if considering the validity of Klaus’s willingness to compromise.

“Okay why don’t we go shopping and grab some of those uh, long shelf life foods which I’m assuming you have memorized, and then we can sort out your h- ” Ben coughed loudly and Klaus skipped over the word ‘hoard’ he was originally going to use, “ - pantry and figure out what can stay and what goes back in the kitchen, alright?”

Five gave a tiny nod and Klaus mentally cheered his victory.

“Alright we can just grab Diego - ” Five’s face darkened into a scowl and Klaus suddenly remembered that the two had been having an argument before this conversation took place, “Orrr, we could just go by ourselves! You and me! In this together! And Ben, too!”

Okay, Diego was still teaching him how to drive but Five was a good driver, right? It would be fine. The definitely wouldn’t get pulled over because Five looked thirteen, right?

As if reading his mind, Five gave a sharp nod and stood up from the bed, straightening his umbrella academy jacket (man they really did need to get the kid some new clothes). “I’ll drive,” Five said, already striding to the door and leaving Klaus to scramble off the bed after him.

Well okay they were doing this. Right now. Klaus gestured helpless to Ben, who only offered a shrug.

“Pasta lasts forever, I think?” Ben offered. Useless. Klaus’s ghostly brother was useless. Thank you for that infinite wisdom, Ben.

Well hey, at least Klaus could pick up more fruit roll-ups while they were out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no beta we die like men
> 
> Klaus is surprisingly fun to write for! Also he and Ben are very valid
> 
> I feel like Klaus would be pretty understanding of how difficult it is to quit something cold turkey, especially something that gives you comfort which clearly Five's food stash is giving him some kind of peace of mind
> 
> Sometimes the best thing for people isn't to get rid of it entirely, but to address it and figure out a way to make it a bit healthier - something is better than nothing after all and at least if Five gets some proper storage and things then they won't get ants or mice or something

**Author's Note:**

> why is it that when i try and write about Five I end up writing from the pov of every other sibling EXCEPT for five
> 
> I hope I did Klaus justice? I really do like Klaus I just don't know how to write him lmao he's my second favorite character  
> I do need to get used to writing him though since I feel like him and Five have a lot of fun shared issue solidarity to address
> 
> also, as an adult with stuffed animals, my temptation to give five a stuffed animal grows by the minute


End file.
